So much has happened in the last four months - good things,
and not so good things. But before I can relish in the exciting, happy, ‘all
the waiting has paid off’ parts I have to look honestly at the last four
months.
I’d like to say the reason I haven’t been writing is because
of my busy schedule, but that’s not why. The past four months have been some of
the most challenging months I’ve faced in a long time. They brought about a heaviness
that I tried to ignore until I could not ignore it any longer. This heaviness
silenced me, in so many ways because it’s not the kind of heaviness that pushes
the artist to write beautiful poetry or paint a masterpiece. It’s the kind of
heaviness that can’t come out in words. It settles deep in your heart, dropping
on your chest with a thud, making it impossible to speak. So it comes out in
kicking the dirt, in ugly, messy sobs that seem to come from nowhere, and it
pushes you into hiding. You can hide pretty well for a good long while if you
are a busy person, and I was, so I could.
But not for long because then suddenly you graduate,
Christmas time is over, and you are finally alone and forced to be face to face
with this heaviness that’s been growing in your heart. You realize how heavy it
really is, how carrying the weight has curved the posture of your back and taken
you further away then you ever intended to be. You feel confused, angry,
desperate, and so drained of life.
You sit in this chaos, in this hurt- until God speaks.
That’s when you hear your husband’s voice singing these
words on a Sunday morning:
“Fragments of brokenness
Salvaged by the art of grace
You craft life from our mistakes
Oh Your cross, it changes
everything
There my world begins again with
You
Oh Your cross, it's where my hope
restarts
A second chance is Heaven's heart”
So I start again.
I let God recreate me.
I let Him patch me together like a messy, mismatched quilt.
I remind myself that my hope is not in Christians but that
my hope is in Christ.
I remember my God loved me so much He died so I could have
this hope.
And I know my God is not a God of confusion and chaos. He is
a my handyman God.
This is where my hope restarts.
