Long time, no see

So much has happened in the last four months - good things, and not so good things. But before I can relish in the exciting, happy, ‘all the waiting has paid off’ parts I have to look honestly at the last four months.

I’d like to say the reason I haven’t been writing is because of my busy schedule, but that’s not why. The past four months have been some of the most challenging months I’ve faced in a long time. They brought about a heaviness that I tried to ignore until I could not ignore it any longer. This heaviness silenced me, in so many ways because it’s not the kind of heaviness that pushes the artist to write beautiful poetry or paint a masterpiece. It’s the kind of heaviness that can’t come out in words. It settles deep in your heart, dropping on your chest with a thud, making it impossible to speak. So it comes out in kicking the dirt, in ugly, messy sobs that seem to come from nowhere, and it pushes you into hiding. You can hide pretty well for a good long while if you are a busy person, and I was, so I could.

But not for long because then suddenly you graduate, Christmas time is over, and you are finally alone and forced to be face to face with this heaviness that’s been growing in your heart. You realize how heavy it really is, how carrying the weight has curved the posture of your back and taken you further away then you ever intended to be. You feel confused, angry, desperate, and so drained of life.

You sit in this chaos, in this hurt- until God speaks.

That’s when you hear your husband’s voice singing these words on a Sunday morning:

“Fragments of brokenness

Salvaged by the art of grace

You craft life from our mistakes

Oh Your cross, it changes everything

There my world begins again with You

Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts

A second chance is Heaven's heart”

So I start again.

I let God recreate me.

I let Him patch me together like a messy, mismatched quilt.

I remind myself that my hope is not in Christians but that my hope is in Christ.

I remember my God loved me so much He died so I could have this hope.

And I know my God is not a God of confusion and chaos. He is a my handyman God.

This is where my hope restarts.