If dogs could talk

   Tonight mine would tell you that when I'm home alone baking I blast music from the stereo in the kitchen and dance like fool all around the room.

   He would tell you that when it gets to the loudest part of a song I lean down and sing loudly in his face to share the moment with him. He would also want you to know how much this confuses him.

   He would tell you that when I start to get warm from the oven being on I stick my face at the precise angle necessary to steal some of the cool, country breeze coming from the window facing the field. He would tell you the breeze blows and makes the wisps of my hair that have fallen out of my ponytail dance around my face and that I look very much like a dog hanging out a car window.

   He would probably tell you that nights when I'm baking are some of his favorite nights because while all this dancing and singing and face in the breeze is happening I am carrying around a spoon in my hand covered in sugary goodness. He would tell you I get a little clumsy with this sugary goodness at times and that usually means I fling some chocolate or dough or sugary batter onto his face.

   He would tell you he does not mind this a bit.

24 going on 25

    As the hours of my 24th year are slowing counting down I am trying to think back about what I know now that I did not know before this year. The one thing I keep coming back to, that I have learned maybe just in the past few months, is to be good to myself. Now this is not something I just learned, I knew I should be good to myself for a long time, I was a psych major after all. But I don't think until this year I actually practiced being good to myself. It does not come naturally and I think because of this very often I would just give up on ever trying. This year, however, I made a list of 25 things I wanted to do for myself before I turned 25 and I was able to see how that list helped me be kinder to myself in many ways, ways that were not even on my list. If I was having a long, hard day I let myself get a small Starbucks drink  and it was exhilarating. It was so ridiculously exciting for me to treat myself. I would tell Adam how silly I felt for being so stinking exciting over a $3 drink from Starbucks in the middle of the day or a Ben&Jerry's pint at the end of a long day. You would have literally thought I was purchasing a brand new car. Now mind you I would not call myself an expert in this area because when I went to buy myself something from Anthropologie I think I nearly had a panic attack, haha. But I am beginning to see that its ok to use gift cards for myself or let myself buy some lovely tulips in the grocery store.
       I am definitely taking baby steps but I'm proud of what I've done so far. It feels so good and it's a reminder for me that I am valued and loved and that it's alright for me to tell myself that sometimes through taking care of myself in little ways. I think especially as I begin to counsel more clients and enter into the messiness and darkness they face I need ways to acknowledge myself and my needs and find ways to infuse some light into my days.
    As I look over this I can't help but laugh at myself that a Starbucks drink, fresh flowers, and a pint of ice cream in a year of my life has made such an impact on me. But I think it's good, it reminds me that any size growth is still growth.

Resolute

     It always takes me awhile to come up with New Years resolutions. Partly because I took a class that taught me how to write goal statements the 'right' way so I keep hearing words like 'measurable', 'observable', and 'feasible' running through my head. Its also partly because I do work really hard to meet the goals I set for myself so I try to make sure I can accomplish them without making myself miserable. And then partly because I get lost daydreaming about another year and all its endless possibilities. All of that is to say that I am still working on my goals for this year but in that process I had a revelation - I am going to turn 25 in this year. 25. One quarter of a century. Guys. Seriously. 

      Now age has never flipped me out because of the getting old part because I don't really feel like I will ever feel very old (at least not in my heart, maybe in my bones, but not my heart). The age thing gets me more because I remember what I imagined 25 looking like as a kid and a teen and a college student honestly. I thought 25-year olds carried briefcases and wore pant suits and tight buns in their hair. But I'm going to be 25 and even though I dress up nearly every day I still feel like my inner child (or maybe my inner tree-hugger) is always seeping through via my wavy, wind-blown hair or my brightly-colored skirts or my flowing scarves. But the point of my rant about turning 25 is that when I was realizing that I was also thinking about how I want to celebrate a little all year by setting goals for having fun before my birthday. It seems like the goals people set for the new year are generally things that will make them better but not necessarily things they want to do, which is why so many people just don't do them. So I decided that in addition to my year's goals I also would build a "25 things I want to do before I'm 25" list. Now don't be getting too excited, my list does not have big things on it like 'backpack through Europe before April'. Instead I put little things on the list, but they had to be things for just me, things that would make me happy and feed my soul in unique ways, ways that I would not take time for unless forced to by a list. The list includes (but is not limited to) these items: 

- Watch Casablanca with Adam 

- Listen to a new band 

- Buy flowers 

- Eat an entire Ben & Jerry's pint 

- Write a poem 

- Buy a full-priced item from Anthropologie 

   I really am so excited. We talk about self-care sooooo much in my classes and I think so often I do not pay much attention because I've heard it before and I've never been good at it. But when you put it like this, in a list of tiny but beautiful things you can do for yourself in the next four months before you turn a quarter of a century old, well then its a different story. It makes me giddy to think about walking into a store and buying my first Ben & Jerry's and eating the entirety of it, self-control of no concern to me. Isn't that ridiculous? I know it is, but I don't care. I'm taking baby steps and it feels good. You should take care of yourself. Especially when you are turning a quarter-century old. 

Believing this is true

"My future hangs on this - you make preciousness from dust.

 Please don't stop creating me.

Fragments of brokenness, salvaged by the art of grace. 

You craft life from our mistakes."

-Rend Collective 

Reunited and it feels so good

 

   
     This weekend was one of my favorites of this year. It was full of friends and celebration and so, so much laughter. It was the kind of weekend that leaves you the best kind of tired at the end from laughing so hard and talking so much and catching up with old friends rapidly. I loved having my dearest friends sitting in my home, drinking coffee, and eating sweet treats just enjoying the ease of talking with one another and savoring the fullness of each moment together. It was perfection.
     And we all came together for one of my most dear friends, Elle. I loved seeing her and celebrating with her and watching the love that each one of the guests had for this beautiful bride-to-be. I feel so blessed to be in another chapter of Elle's magnificent life, the part where she finds true love and gets to tell the world its forever. I can't wait to stand with my friends in five weeks and five days and witness this beautiful beginning.

Spontaneous Peace

   This past Friday was one of my favorite days in this, my favorite season. 

The day began with Adam and I eating breakfast together at Panera. They graciously sliced and toasted a piece of Autumn perfection (a pumpkin pie bagel) just for me and I, very sincerely, proclaimed "I can't believe this is happening to me!" While we ate we had time to talk, and not about work or homework or stress, just time to talk and laugh and people watch.  Then we joined some beautiful friends for lunch and talked about the joy and love they are experiencing as a baby is promising to come into their family soon. Adam and I felt so honored to be there for another piece of this baby's unfolding story. 

   Then one of the best parts occurred in the afternoon during our time of waiting. We were waiting to pick up our dog from the vet and waiting to go to Adam's brother's for dinner so we decided to revisit one of our favorite places, the Indianapolis Art Museum gardens. We grabbed a blanket and books and trekked out to a large patch of sunned, yet shaded grass were we laid out our blanket and relaxed. I had every intention of reading but I drifted to sleep under the trees that were dropping leaves into my hair and all over my book. I'm not sure if it was the slight autumn chill combined with the sun's warmth that lulled me to sleep or if it was the peace I felt being somewhere secluded and silent but I slept well. Its the kind of sleep that you wake from feeling perfectly rested and slightly warm inside with a bit of heaviness in your limbs. It was perfection, and exactly what I needed

The moments from this day were so beautiful and as I remember them I just can't help but love the story that Adam and I are telling, even in a season of stress and busyness, with small moments like these that feel surreal and untouchable. I feel so grateful for a husband who helps craft these times and who fills them with more love and brown-eyed smiles than I could have imagined. 

Make like a tree and leaf

    Today feels so much like Fall I can barely stand it...

       The windows are open in every room, sweet cinnamon pumpkin candles are burning, my Fall playlists are serenading me, and I'm wearing my favorite mustard yellow cardigan.


I love this old country house most in the Fall, its her prime.