City Mouse, City House

We moved!

About two and half months ago we packed up our home and traded in our windmill and fields for the city life. We had talked about this move for a long time and the closer it got to my graduation the more serious the conversation got, until all of a sudden we were packing boxes and renting trucks. When the day finally came to leave I was surprised how sad it was to say goodbye to that beautiful little country home.

It was the home I came back to after my wedding.
It was the home I decorated and arranged with my brand new husband.
It was where we had our first Christmas (and 2nd and 3rd).
We found our first dog behind the woods of that house.
I completed my entire graduate degree studying on the floors, tables, and couches of that home (sometimes all at once).
We celebrated and ate with countless friends in that home.
We learned how to be a married couple in that home. All of the growth and setbacks we endured along the way were contained in that home. Our entire married life was in that home.

So you can see why it was a little hard to leave? I sometimes still miss the creaky windmill and the big sky but I think its more than just the house. I cherish the moments that took place in that home, and the beautiful setting that it created for the start of our life together.

And now, a new chapter begins in a new setting, a new home, and with new adventures.

My current favorite thing about this home is the sound of O'Sister, Brother in my living room. Adam listens to it loud to check for imperfections in the mix and I sit back and breathe in the big and beautiful sounds that fill our cozy living room. It fills every corner and you can't help but be moved by the earnestness of the voices and the truth of the words. If you haven't heard them, you should.

Long time, no see

So much has happened in the last four months - good things, and not so good things. But before I can relish in the exciting, happy, ‘all the waiting has paid off’ parts I have to look honestly at the last four months.

I’d like to say the reason I haven’t been writing is because of my busy schedule, but that’s not why. The past four months have been some of the most challenging months I’ve faced in a long time. They brought about a heaviness that I tried to ignore until I could not ignore it any longer. This heaviness silenced me, in so many ways because it’s not the kind of heaviness that pushes the artist to write beautiful poetry or paint a masterpiece. It’s the kind of heaviness that can’t come out in words. It settles deep in your heart, dropping on your chest with a thud, making it impossible to speak. So it comes out in kicking the dirt, in ugly, messy sobs that seem to come from nowhere, and it pushes you into hiding. You can hide pretty well for a good long while if you are a busy person, and I was, so I could.

But not for long because then suddenly you graduate, Christmas time is over, and you are finally alone and forced to be face to face with this heaviness that’s been growing in your heart. You realize how heavy it really is, how carrying the weight has curved the posture of your back and taken you further away then you ever intended to be. You feel confused, angry, desperate, and so drained of life.

You sit in this chaos, in this hurt- until God speaks.

That’s when you hear your husband’s voice singing these words on a Sunday morning:

“Fragments of brokenness

Salvaged by the art of grace

You craft life from our mistakes

Oh Your cross, it changes everything

There my world begins again with You

Oh Your cross, it's where my hope restarts

A second chance is Heaven's heart”

So I start again.

I let God recreate me.

I let Him patch me together like a messy, mismatched quilt.

I remind myself that my hope is not in Christians but that my hope is in Christ.

I remember my God loved me so much He died so I could have this hope.

And I know my God is not a God of confusion and chaos. He is a my handyman God.

This is where my hope restarts.

Discombobulated

“For just as each of us has one body with many parts, and these parts do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” Romans 12:4-6

A couple weeks ago I did a lesson for the kids at church on this verse. I’m a very visual/experiential person so to demonstrate the lesson better I drew a person on a big piece of paper that was as tall as me (which actually isn’t that tall I guess). He had two ears, two eyes, one nose, one mouth, two hands and feet - he was a normal looking guy is what I’m getting at here. Then I talked to the kids about this verse and about how one of them might be an eye and one might be a foot but we all can work together to do good things just like all the parts of a body function to help us do what we need to do. They seemingly accepted this and snickered a little at the thought of being a foot or a hand.

Then I brought out some extra eyes, hands, mouths, feet, etc. I told the kids how sometimes the mouth gets jealous of the hand and thinks he’s not doing as good of a thing as the hand gets to do and so he wishes he were a hand. At this point I put the extra mouth where a hand should be on our model and the laughter starts to build. Then I say the hand does not see much value in what she is doing either so she really wants to be an ear because ears seem more special and important. A hand goes where an ear should be. This continues until the poor paper model is all discombobulated and the kids are giggling uncontrollably. “Does this look right to you guys?” A loud, unanimous vote of NO!

We talked about what this looks like in our own lives when we know we are good at something but it’s hard to remember that when we see that other people are good at things that we aren’t great at. And inside we wish we were something else because we don’t see how important it is that we all need to be different.

I have been thinking on this lesson a lot lately, as I see more and more articles popping up about pinterest stress and the comparison syndrome epidemics fueled by social media. We all feel it at some point. We are looking at facebook or instagram and seeing someone with a great talent or going somewhere cool and suddenly we forget that we have any talents or ever go cool places. We want their talent or lifestyle because we forget that we are supposed to be different from them. We can’t all be the same thing. We can’t all play beautiful music, we can’t all be business savy, or all crafty or all computer wizards. Just like we can’t have a body made of only ears, or a body of only feet. That’s weird and doesn’t make any sense, any kid can tell you that.

I like simple things and kids usually make complicated thoughts seem pretty simple, so I’m trying to remember this lesson for myself. When I see someone whose great at something I’m not and I feel those nasty comparison feelings creeping up I think, ‘they are an eye and I am a hand, and that’s ok.’ We learn and grow from uniqueness, we see things from different perspectives. We appreciate things we didn’t know about before when we have friends that are different from us. And that’s how things should look - ear’s doing ear’s work, foot doing foot’s work and all functioning together to make things right and good, each of us appreciating how we work together.  

We are all valuable, we are all essential and we are all different.

Love is heaven on earth.

“No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another,

God lives in us and His love is made complete in us.”

1 John 4:12

Every time I read this verse I just stare at the words with my mouth gaping. The weight of these unassuming words is so powerful. Often we glance over it just seeing a string of repetitive verses in 1 John 4 telling us to love other people and we are like, “yeah, yeah we get it – love people” like a teenager being lectured by his parents for the one hundred millionth time. But this is so much more.

This verse is telling me that I am able to bring God into the lives of others and I am able to make His love complete. He lets me do this. Me who works a nine to five job, me who gets frustrated with people, me who needs sleep and food and shelter. The God of the whole universe offers me the chance to bring heaven to earth.

This is every little child’s dream. It would be something like their favorite superhero zapping them to give them their own powers and asking for their help to make the world a better place. What kid doesn’t hope and pray for that to happen to them? 

God offers that to you and me. He says work hard to love others because when you do people can see me whom they have never seen and they can feel me whom they have never touched. Love can finally be made complete. With me.

            Regardless of the effort it takes to smile at the co-worker you secretly despise, the time it takes to do something unexpectedly kind for your spouse, or the money it takes to help someone struggling - would it not be worth it to know you are partnering with God to bring eternity near? That in those moments you have just worked with God to make His work complete?

            We seek meaning and purpose in our lives, we want to feel accomplished and know that our life is ‘making a difference’. But so often we do not have a sense of fulfillment in this way. I have no doubt that it is not because the offer is not there; it is because we have not answered the charge.

            This is the cause of all causes. Join in. Make the infinite tangible, bring heaven to earth, and complete the ultimate love.

Why I still do arts and crafts at 25

    Yesterday I was feeling pensive on my drives to and from my internship and I began thinking about how much I enjoy sewing and crafting and generally making things of all sorts.

And I was thinking that sometimes it feels essential for me.

    I am entering into a field where progress is often slow, subtle, and difficult. People’s lives do not fix quickly. Hope is there, light is there, but it takes time and great effort to find it. So I celebrate the small victories in people’s lives and continue to hope.

That’s where crafting comes in. 

    When I want to make something I have a vision of what it could be, the beauty to be found and then, right before my very eyes I can make it come to be.  There may be small setbacks and frustrations but by the end of the night I can usually see the product of my hopes and vision. I accomplish and see the fruits of my labor. I can create something new. When I often find myself among brokenness and so much darkness it feeds my soul to create. I can mend torn seams, give new love to old fabrics, and display beauty in discarded scraps. And it helps me remember the importance of creation, hope, and vision in working with people’s hurts. 

And you know what else? It reminds me that my God is a crafter. He crafts beauty from ashes, creates joy where there is mourning, and sews together a garment of praise out of scraps of despair.

If dogs could talk

   Tonight mine would tell you that when I'm home alone baking I blast music from the stereo in the kitchen and dance like fool all around the room.

   He would tell you that when it gets to the loudest part of a song I lean down and sing loudly in his face to share the moment with him. He would also want you to know how much this confuses him.

   He would tell you that when I start to get warm from the oven being on I stick my face at the precise angle necessary to steal some of the cool, country breeze coming from the window facing the field. He would tell you the breeze blows and makes the wisps of my hair that have fallen out of my ponytail dance around my face and that I look very much like a dog hanging out a car window.

   He would probably tell you that nights when I'm baking are some of his favorite nights because while all this dancing and singing and face in the breeze is happening I am carrying around a spoon in my hand covered in sugary goodness. He would tell you I get a little clumsy with this sugary goodness at times and that usually means I fling some chocolate or dough or sugary batter onto his face.

   He would tell you he does not mind this a bit.

24 going on 25

    As the hours of my 24th year are slowing counting down I am trying to think back about what I know now that I did not know before this year. The one thing I keep coming back to, that I have learned maybe just in the past few months, is to be good to myself. Now this is not something I just learned, I knew I should be good to myself for a long time, I was a psych major after all. But I don't think until this year I actually practiced being good to myself. It does not come naturally and I think because of this very often I would just give up on ever trying. This year, however, I made a list of 25 things I wanted to do for myself before I turned 25 and I was able to see how that list helped me be kinder to myself in many ways, ways that were not even on my list. If I was having a long, hard day I let myself get a small Starbucks drink  and it was exhilarating. It was so ridiculously exciting for me to treat myself. I would tell Adam how silly I felt for being so stinking exciting over a $3 drink from Starbucks in the middle of the day or a Ben&Jerry's pint at the end of a long day. You would have literally thought I was purchasing a brand new car. Now mind you I would not call myself an expert in this area because when I went to buy myself something from Anthropologie I think I nearly had a panic attack, haha. But I am beginning to see that its ok to use gift cards for myself or let myself buy some lovely tulips in the grocery store.
       I am definitely taking baby steps but I'm proud of what I've done so far. It feels so good and it's a reminder for me that I am valued and loved and that it's alright for me to tell myself that sometimes through taking care of myself in little ways. I think especially as I begin to counsel more clients and enter into the messiness and darkness they face I need ways to acknowledge myself and my needs and find ways to infuse some light into my days.
    As I look over this I can't help but laugh at myself that a Starbucks drink, fresh flowers, and a pint of ice cream in a year of my life has made such an impact on me. But I think it's good, it reminds me that any size growth is still growth.

Resolute

     It always takes me awhile to come up with New Years resolutions. Partly because I took a class that taught me how to write goal statements the 'right' way so I keep hearing words like 'measurable', 'observable', and 'feasible' running through my head. Its also partly because I do work really hard to meet the goals I set for myself so I try to make sure I can accomplish them without making myself miserable. And then partly because I get lost daydreaming about another year and all its endless possibilities. All of that is to say that I am still working on my goals for this year but in that process I had a revelation - I am going to turn 25 in this year. 25. One quarter of a century. Guys. Seriously. 

      Now age has never flipped me out because of the getting old part because I don't really feel like I will ever feel very old (at least not in my heart, maybe in my bones, but not my heart). The age thing gets me more because I remember what I imagined 25 looking like as a kid and a teen and a college student honestly. I thought 25-year olds carried briefcases and wore pant suits and tight buns in their hair. But I'm going to be 25 and even though I dress up nearly every day I still feel like my inner child (or maybe my inner tree-hugger) is always seeping through via my wavy, wind-blown hair or my brightly-colored skirts or my flowing scarves. But the point of my rant about turning 25 is that when I was realizing that I was also thinking about how I want to celebrate a little all year by setting goals for having fun before my birthday. It seems like the goals people set for the new year are generally things that will make them better but not necessarily things they want to do, which is why so many people just don't do them. So I decided that in addition to my year's goals I also would build a "25 things I want to do before I'm 25" list. Now don't be getting too excited, my list does not have big things on it like 'backpack through Europe before April'. Instead I put little things on the list, but they had to be things for just me, things that would make me happy and feed my soul in unique ways, ways that I would not take time for unless forced to by a list. The list includes (but is not limited to) these items: 

- Watch Casablanca with Adam 

- Listen to a new band 

- Buy flowers 

- Eat an entire Ben & Jerry's pint 

- Write a poem 

- Buy a full-priced item from Anthropologie 

   I really am so excited. We talk about self-care sooooo much in my classes and I think so often I do not pay much attention because I've heard it before and I've never been good at it. But when you put it like this, in a list of tiny but beautiful things you can do for yourself in the next four months before you turn a quarter of a century old, well then its a different story. It makes me giddy to think about walking into a store and buying my first Ben & Jerry's and eating the entirety of it, self-control of no concern to me. Isn't that ridiculous? I know it is, but I don't care. I'm taking baby steps and it feels good. You should take care of yourself. Especially when you are turning a quarter-century old. 

Believing this is true

"My future hangs on this - you make preciousness from dust.

 Please don't stop creating me.

Fragments of brokenness, salvaged by the art of grace. 

You craft life from our mistakes."

-Rend Collective 

Reunited and it feels so good

 

   
     This weekend was one of my favorites of this year. It was full of friends and celebration and so, so much laughter. It was the kind of weekend that leaves you the best kind of tired at the end from laughing so hard and talking so much and catching up with old friends rapidly. I loved having my dearest friends sitting in my home, drinking coffee, and eating sweet treats just enjoying the ease of talking with one another and savoring the fullness of each moment together. It was perfection.
     And we all came together for one of my most dear friends, Elle. I loved seeing her and celebrating with her and watching the love that each one of the guests had for this beautiful bride-to-be. I feel so blessed to be in another chapter of Elle's magnificent life, the part where she finds true love and gets to tell the world its forever. I can't wait to stand with my friends in five weeks and five days and witness this beautiful beginning.

Spontaneous Peace

   This past Friday was one of my favorite days in this, my favorite season. 

The day began with Adam and I eating breakfast together at Panera. They graciously sliced and toasted a piece of Autumn perfection (a pumpkin pie bagel) just for me and I, very sincerely, proclaimed "I can't believe this is happening to me!" While we ate we had time to talk, and not about work or homework or stress, just time to talk and laugh and people watch.  Then we joined some beautiful friends for lunch and talked about the joy and love they are experiencing as a baby is promising to come into their family soon. Adam and I felt so honored to be there for another piece of this baby's unfolding story. 

   Then one of the best parts occurred in the afternoon during our time of waiting. We were waiting to pick up our dog from the vet and waiting to go to Adam's brother's for dinner so we decided to revisit one of our favorite places, the Indianapolis Art Museum gardens. We grabbed a blanket and books and trekked out to a large patch of sunned, yet shaded grass were we laid out our blanket and relaxed. I had every intention of reading but I drifted to sleep under the trees that were dropping leaves into my hair and all over my book. I'm not sure if it was the slight autumn chill combined with the sun's warmth that lulled me to sleep or if it was the peace I felt being somewhere secluded and silent but I slept well. Its the kind of sleep that you wake from feeling perfectly rested and slightly warm inside with a bit of heaviness in your limbs. It was perfection, and exactly what I needed

The moments from this day were so beautiful and as I remember them I just can't help but love the story that Adam and I are telling, even in a season of stress and busyness, with small moments like these that feel surreal and untouchable. I feel so grateful for a husband who helps craft these times and who fills them with more love and brown-eyed smiles than I could have imagined. 

Make like a tree and leaf

    Today feels so much like Fall I can barely stand it...

       The windows are open in every room, sweet cinnamon pumpkin candles are burning, my Fall playlists are serenading me, and I'm wearing my favorite mustard yellow cardigan.


I love this old country house most in the Fall, its her prime.

Summer Time

   I honestly think this has been one of the most insane summers of our lives, even more than last summer (and that's saying a whole lot!). This summer Adam and I found our first ever dog and learned how to be dog owners... I took classes through a good majority of the summer, played around at water parks, saw friends from far away, went to family reunions, concerts, birthday parties, weddings, and many more. I read a lot of books in May and sewed in August... And as I look back on our calendars for the summer I think nearly every weekend was filled with places to go and people to see. Its incredible how busy the 'relaxing' part of a year can be, isn't it?

   But we enjoyed this busy season and the sweet moments it gave us. It was a summer of so much celebration and joy, a summer of gratitude and growth.

   And now I'm staring down the last week of my summer, with anticipation and excitement (and just a pinch of anxiety!). After Labor Day I'll have new classes, a new job, and I'll start seeing clients in the clinic. It's going to be another completely brand new chapter with new adventures, challenges, and causes for celebration.

Ready. Set. Go.

Herbivore

I have thoroughly enjoyed being a vegetarian (or as I like to refer to myself, a herbivore) for the last couple years and I really feel like it has helped me be more adventurous in the kinds of things I eat. Recently Adam and I have been trying to make a couple new recipes a month to find  new favorites that eventually become 'regulars'. We have tried a lot of new things and Adam has even been a fan of most of them without even adding meat! So I decided to make a list of my new top five fav's, complete with recipe (in no particular order, because I love them all equally).

1. Southwestern Pizza with black beans and corn 

On this one Adam does like to add a little seasoned chicken to his half of this pizza...to each his own!

Recipe: http://www.thekitchn.com/weeknight-recipe-southwestern-147062 

2. Skillet gnocchi with chard and white beans 

Gnocchi is delicious! I first had it on our honeymoon at a restaurant in the top of the CN Tower and I fell in love. It is a little potato pasta dumpling that goes well with lots of flavors! When we were first making this one, though, we were looking at the ingredients together and kept saying "well, this will be interesting" as politely as possible...but in the end it was soooo good! So don't let the seemingly strange ingredients put you off

Recipe: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/27/skillet-gnocchi-with-char_n_1061875.html 

3. Vegetable Stir Fry 

We love this one so much because it is the easiest thing in the world to make! It takes a handful of minutes and basically only a couple ingredients (if you don't use meat)!

Recipe: http://www.tasteofhome.com/Recipes/Asian-Beef-and-Noodles

4. Pesto Risotto with Green Beans 

My sister-in-law gave me a Moosewood's cookbook with tons of great vegetarian recipes in it and this one is by far my favorite yet. Adam and I are obsessed with risotto (I have no idea why or how) and this was a perfect way to spice up our normal parmesan risotto! 

Recipe: http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=658179

5. Summer Corn Cakes 

Well, technically we haven't made this one yet, but we are supremely excited to make it soon. Adam keeps asking when its for dinner but I think he's mainly just interested because its kinda fried, haha.

Recipe: http://www.ezrapoundcake.com/archives/12345

Luxo

   I don't know how its possible that I have not written anything about the newest addition to my family....Luxo! We found him two days before Adam's birthday (thus three days before our 1 year anniversary) and we decided to officially keep him a couple weeks ago. We searched high and low for an owner but alas there was none to be found (thankfully!!!) This little guy is so much fun and everyone that meets him thinks he is absolutely adorable! I mean look at him, isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen?

 
   Anyway, every time we tell people his name they always mispronounce it or ask where it came from. Well, here's the secret...it came from Pixar! For those of you who know Adam and I well, you probably aren't surprised. We love Pixar movies and the shorts! Luxo comes from Pixar's very first short entitled Luxo Jr. You might also recognize him as the cute little lamp guy at the beginning of every Pixar movie that bounces on the I in Pixar.
   Luxo fits his namesake well too because he is the bounciest, hoppiest puppy I have ever seen. When we go on walks he bounds through grass much taller than himself and searches out his-sized prey (mostly butterflies and ants). Oh, and his favorite toy is a round plastic ball that he could chase for hours by himself in the yard!

 

 We are loving having a puppy so much! Adam and I never had dogs growing up so this little guy is our first ever! He is so much fun and such a cuddler! We are so thankful that we took a wrong turn on our Friday morning walk and discovered our new friend!

Oh, and here's the Luxo short, (if you know our puppy you know he fits his name so well)!

 

June

June, June - You were quite a month.

    I cannot imagine there could be a month with more celebration, surprises, and chaos than this June. June began with me starting my first summer course - typical life stuff, right? But June quickly became not so normal as we began celebrating several birthdays back to back, found a dog on the side of the road, had a surprise party for Adam, celebrated being married for a year (!!!), and found Elle's wedding dress. And that was only the first two weeks! 

    Then we saw friends from New York we hadn't seen in a year, celebrated and basked in the joy of friend's starting new adventures, had a sleepover with Peyton and Ava, and Adam started and continued a million recording, audio, and web design projects.

   I felt like I barely had a chance to catch my breath in this extraordinary, whirlwind month but it was such a beautiful busyness....the kind that sparks important conversations, fills your heart and keeps a smile on your face.

So thanks June - you are again one of my favorite months of the year